Cat Caddy

In case you were wondering, there is a story behind the name of this blog.

One day, my friend called me up to tell me she had gotten a pet stroller for her cat. This was awesome because she actually took him out shopping in it, and everyone loved looking in and seeing it was a cat and not a baby. And her cat did look awfully cute in it.

Well, that year on my birthday I went outside to find a huge package. It was a pet stroller!

1 | Cat Caddy

This is my cat, Nikita.

I have to admit I wasn’t entirely sure I could convince her to get in and go out on the town with me. She’s not exactly docile. But what’s the harm in asking, right?

2 | Cat Caddy

Nikita?

3 | Cat Caddy

So, I got this stroller for cats, and I was wondering if you’d like to take a ride in it? You know, like, outside?

4 | Cat Caddy

The next few minutes were spent putting the thing together and trying to find the cat. She had lodged herself up on the higher cupboards in the kitchen, looking down at us dubiously.

5 | Cat Caddy

C’mon, Nikita. Just try the thing out!

To her credit, she did come down and take a sniff. She didn’t even object (too much) when we set her inside.

6 | Cat Caddy

And so we were ready for the outside world! We got her loaded, took her down the stairs, and pushed her around the apartment complex parking lot. She wailed and yowled, and the maintenance guys walking by gave us funny looks. But I wasn’t ready to concede defeat. I wanted to take her downtown.

As soon as we drove the buggy towards the open street, a particularly loud truck barreled past on the road we were turning towards. A desperate cry emanated from the cat, who had been settling down up until that point. I knew then that there would be no downtown.

When we got her back to the house, I opened it up to find the thing completely soiled. She had voided all available waste throughout the entire “waterproof” (not!) cushion and underlining. I could hear her laughing under the bed while I bleached, scrubbed, and tried to revitalize the cat stroller. The end result was a slightly less urine scented buggy.

Oh well. Next time, maybe?

And so came the inspiration for the name of this blog!

(I apologize for the low quality of the photos. They were taken with my Ipod in bad lighting.)

The Smiley Bandit

How many times have you been having a discussion on an internet forum when this happens?

Cat Caddy | Smilies

This is a huge pet peeve to a lot of people (and rightly so, because the perpetrator is being a backhanded little dick and they know it) but there are times when you just want to call someone on it so badly and you can’t because doing so will initiate a fucking meltdown. But how infuriating is it when someone does this while you’re trying to have a serious conversation, and things start getting a little heated? There’s always some visionary who comes out with this tactic:

I’m being a total asshole right now, but since I’m littering my response with platitudes and smileys it makes you look like a bigger dick for being infuriated by it! Heehee! 🙂

Even better, in spiritual communities there’s always a person who comes along, dumps some words of wisdom like, “Your anger just proves how in the ego you are,” and steps back to watch the fallout. For those who don’t know, ego is the spiritualist’s black plague. It is very bad and you should try not to have one. So dropping this little turd in the conversation is the perfect way to invalidate whoever was speaking and anyone who might have been feeling legitimately angry over what a douche the smiley assassin is being.

Spiritualists have this weird idea that you can’t ever get angry. Like you have to be serene all the time. And if someone catches you with your pants down and says something that sets you off, you can come back later and save a little face by accusing everyone else of being full of ego and letting Earthly concepts entangle them in attachments. These are some of the most frustrating people to get in an argument with, because they will invalidate you every step of the way when they are losing by pretending that you’re losing Spirit Cred by being in any way frustrated with their passive-aggressive attempts to communicate. All while being incredibly passive-aggressive! Lol! 🙂

Sometimes you do get so sick of it that you venture to call them on it. Hey look, pal, I can see right through your bullshit. You’re being about as serene and enlightened as a broken dish right now. Give it up and drop the stupid veneer of niceness you think you’re tricking everyone into buying. And what do they say? Oh what, these? I was putting them in because I’m genuinely smiling! What’s wrong? You couldn’t possibly be offended by what I’m saying, could you?

Even better when the person in question is clearly seething as they type. You can practically hear their teeth cracking as they enter each platitude, each back-handed observation, each fucking grin. But when you try to get them to be honest about their frustration and just argue the point directly?

What? I was just being friendly!

Fuck your smilies.

🙂

The F Word

Cat Caddy | The F Word

I have a thing about swearing.

When I was little, swearing was such a common occurrence that I grew up thinking the words Jesus Christ, said together, were synonymous with goddamn. It took me years to learn that was actually just his name. Sure, as a kid, I wasn’t allowed to swear, but it’s safe to say I grew up very comfortable with the concept.

So I have to say, it really bugs me when people try to swear without swearing.

Now, I’m not saying I think everyone should go around saying, “You cock-drinking fuck son of a bitch!” But if you find yourself saying things like, “This gosh-dang thing is giving me a heck of a time!” maybe you shouldn’t be swearing.

Seriously. If you can’t say it without offending yourself, why pretend to say it? Why say shoot instead of shit when they mean the same thing? Why say darn when what you really mean is damn? And for the love of god, why was the word hecka even invented? Is hella really that strong of a word?

I can’t help it. I think adults who use soft-expletives outside of situations that require polite language are being kind of immature. Again, it’s not that I’m pro-swearing (fuck yes I am!). I’m just anti-pretend swearing. It sounds fucking stupid to listen to someone try to rearrange their sentences to show how golly-gosh-frustrated they are, as if they might offend their own delicate sensibilities or a five year old might suddenly materialize in front of them. Please.

If you want to argue that swearing is unimaginative and creative types can find better ways to express themselves, why don’t you get creative then? How about using entirely new words as expletives instead of taking a pre-existing one and just changing one letter? Sure, duck is harmless sounding. But everyone knows you really mean

FUCK.

Sipping Lattes

Cat Caddy | Sipping Lattes

Here’s another phrase I hate: sipping lattes. I should start off by saying that I hate any word that’s meant to emulate the sound of water doing anything, from “babbling” to that “sppppth” sound you supposedly make when you’re drinking a latte. I drink a lot of coffee and spend a lot of time in coffee shops, so this phrase really makes me cringe. In addition to being totally annoying, it also has an air of pretentiousness. The people who are the type to sip lattes are the same people you’d expect to be doing any number of things we should also feel impressed by. If we were pseudo-intellectuals.

The phrase speaks not to the general coffee drinking public (given that nearly everyone drinks coffee, tea, or some variant), but to a newly created demographic: the snazzy business woman with “innovative new ideas,” the soon-to-graduate business major, the corporate type with a laptop reading the morning paper, the Etsy seller. You get certain types of people who like to flock to coffee shops, granted. I’m not complaining about coffee shop crowds in general, but the bullshit suave sounding phrase they use to identify us: those who sip lattes. I hate the word sip. It’s awful. And the notion that everyone goes to a coffee shop to “sip lattes” instead of chug coffee or drink tea lends itself to exactly the kind of demographic I’m referring to. Whatever happened to the word “drink”? Isn’t that what we’re doing? Isn’t that good enough? But no, I guess they’re right. That four dollar beverage goes better with an equally expensive-sounding onomatopoeia.

And while I’m on the topic, I have something to confess. TEDTalks bug the shit out of me. Yeah, yeah, I know, there goes my philosophy degree right in the toilet now that I’ve openly admitted it. (Yes, I have one of those, why else do you think I’m here?) But I had to say it. The whole thing is just a festering pot of smart-cred. Want to sound deep, intelligent, and thoughtful even if you’re not? Mention that you listen to TEDTalks!

It’s not the talks themselves. I’ve listened to a few, and yeah, sure, they’re interesting. There are a lot of topics and a variety of insights, and overall it’s a cool idea. What I can’t stand is the language they use to describe it. Brain food. Inspiring, motivating. Smart talks for smart people. Curiosity stirring. Ugh! Stop it already!

I can’t help but recoil whenever it’s brought up. These are the same people who figure that claiming they love Shakespeare makes them a good writer or a deep thinker. It’s just this idea that there are certain things you have to do to appear smart, or cultured, or interesting. It’s all bullshit. I’m not saying people can’t genuinely enjoy yoga, Shakespeare, TEDTalks, whatever. But can we all stop pretending to do stuff that makes us look smart? Can we stop sipping our lattes and just drink them like the hairy mammals we really are?

Damn!

(And yes, I did color the accompanying image with coffee. Well, it was coffee at some point.)